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20121201
20121231
Search Results 0 to 26 of about 27 (some duplicates have been removed)
) nation, i love new york city. the big apple, the city that never sleeps, rat xanadu. so i was crushed to learn the metropolis i know and love has changed, not one person was murdered in new york city on monday. nypd deputy commissioner paul brown couldn't even remember the last time a day went by where not one person was shot, stabbed or slashed. (laughter) >> stephen: what happened? i remember the real new york of the '80s, when in a single night you could score some weed, catch a times square porno and then get stabbed in the neck by a coked-up lou reed. and that was a pretty good first datement now times square has become a disney bubba gump wimp company. the worst that could happen is one of those giant m & ms tries to flash you its peanut. where is the thrilling dangerous city of midnight cowboy or taxi driver? >> you talking to me? >> stephen: i wish i was talking to you. (laughter) instead of i'm talking to her. supercalifragislisticexpiali -- supercalifragislisticexpiali [bleep] me. folk, i've had it, had it. this disturbing lack of violence is not just a problem for our city
archaeologists had to travel 200 meters from a temple in the capital city pyongyang and then look down to see a rectangular rock carved with the words "unicorn lair." (laughter) it makes sense it's labeled, how else would the mailman know where to deliver the rainbows? (laughter) folks, listen to me here this has dangerous geopolitical ramifications because it gives historical legitimacy to the regime of kim jong-un by linking him to an ancient ruler who according to korea's history books road a unicorn and, as a key qlan, he road it gangnam style. (cheers and applause) one second, i just want to write down the last time i am legally allowed to reference gangnam style. (laughter) get that off to the library of congress. thank you very much. here's the danger, folks this will attract impressionable american girls to communism. look at this traditional rendering of a north korean unicorn. what little girl wouldn't love to cuddle up with a catfish faced reptilian horse beast? (laughter) don't do it, girls! because we've got better mythical creatures right here in america like big foot! or a mode
were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of bones. here we go. (cheers and applause) just me and mick. you know, folks, donations are still being accepted. you can help the victims of hurricane sandy with a $10 do facial by texting robin hood to 50555 which i believe is paul mccartney's cell phone. (laughter) now folks, you know me, you know i have had it up to here with this imperial presidency. the arrogance of getting re-elected by running on a platform that voters find appealing sickens mement and now, and now folks, get ready for this, lady michelle antoinette. has abused her power yet again. >> oh, the perks of being first lady michelle o
? >> in geneva as in new york city. >> but during the cold war when we were fighting the soviets our german scientists were better than their. >> different in different places. >> just want to make sure. explain to me again because i understand it when you explain it to me but the moment you leave the room it evaporates out of my head. >> coy explain that using science. >> okay, okay. what is the higg-bosan and why is it. >> so bag-- back in the day the early 60s fis quist-- physicists were try tounged stand the nuclear forces that hold together the nuclear a tomorrow and they couldn't. they kept coming up with this idea that it was spread out all over the place which it clearly doesn't so they came up with this bizarre-sounding idea that empath-- empty space is filled with an energy field every with. >> impossible. >> no, not-- we just got evidence that it's true. >> stephen: no, i'm going-- [bleep] because-- (laughter) >> stephen: it is not empty space if it is filled with something. checkmate. i wait your apology. >> this is why. these are supersmart scientists they figured out that even
,000 and a down payment on his new york city apartment after one mother demanded he complete every homework assignment, paper, and college ets essay fr 15-year-old son, and hopefully two grand for punching up the kid's mother's day card. the anonymous tudors ranged from a well-respected doctor to an ivy leaguer with a graduate degree in biology which just goes to show if you study hard and get into a good school, you can have a rewarding career studying hard and getting into a good school. ( laughter ). so it works. the kids get to go off to a good school, and the parents get something else. as one tudor observed, we have some mothers who feel like they've never wanted anything so bad in their lives, than getting their kid into harvard. it's bragging rights. yeah. you wouldn't believe the stunned reactions when you say, "your kid got into harvard," especially from your kid because he didn't even know he applied. ( laughter ). ( applause ) but will-- will your child succeed at the college someone else got him into? one student in the article flunked out after less than one year. that's why
on sale february 3rd from my standup tour. 17 new u.s. cities, with special guests. i get that off the no fly list. we have been away a couple months. i missed news stories, here's some stuff that happened, russell brand and katy perry got sick of each other as we are of them. maybe they realized how freakish misshaped each other's heads are. >> mark sachez threw passes at his receivers feet. nick sabin said if something is hard, you can always quit and find another way to be successful. a key witness in the jerry sandusky trial died mysterious the president of china retired. "moneyball" marked the final performance of one of the best actors. you will be missed fat jonah hill. we learned the dangers of texting while driving a cruiseship, our soldiers showed they can piss whoever the hell they want. i'm todd came out of the pot cast. i can no longer be friends with you, but i am proud of you. good night, america. hello, milan! [ applause ] (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, steph
Search Results 0 to 26 of about 27 (some duplicates have been removed)